i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
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he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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