Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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