new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
