i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
