Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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