Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was like eating out sand paper
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
