you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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