We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
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They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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