just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
