can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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