i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
