I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
