you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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