He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
