They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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