I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
