Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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