I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
