Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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