Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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