ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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