I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
