i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Someone shit on the floor
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How does it feel to date your dad?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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