OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
