So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
