I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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