When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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