grandma shit on top of the toilet
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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