I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
