I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
