She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
