OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
