im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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