3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
