I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
