I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
