So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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