Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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