Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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