Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
