It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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