I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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