i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
