I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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