i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
