M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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