ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So. Much. Porn.
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