when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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