i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
