I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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