ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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