i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
