Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
