I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
