My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
